


Aftermath

by Two_Roads_And_A_Penny



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Brothers, Drama, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2018-12-07 20:35:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11631411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Roads_And_A_Penny/pseuds/Two_Roads_And_A_Penny
Summary: Healing takes time. Some take longer than others. When Leo is having trouble finding his way home, his brothers are there to guide him. Ground him. Remind him who he is. Because they need him. Always have, always will. And somehow they'll find a way to make him understand that.





	1. Mikey

**Author's Note:**

> I had told my readers that there were several deleted scenes from Tortured Souls that I'd thought of turning in one-shots, and here they are. 
> 
> Leo was deathly ill after his most recent bout with Shredder. Lost a part of himself to save his brothers. So what happened in those months as he recovered? How did his brothers handle it all? These are a collection of one-shots to shed light on moments each brother had with Leonardo when he was sick, as he was recovering, and while he was learning to cope with his new disability. While technically a 'continuation' of Tortured Souls, they should be self-explanatory enough to be read as stand alone pieces (if you haven't the time to read a 30 chapter angst-fic).
> 
> First up is Mikey.
> 
> Um... Enjoy?

** Aftermath:  **

Tortured Souls One-shots

 

** I.Mikey **

 

Leo felt moisture on his arm, like a pipe dripping from the ceiling. His mind fought for clarity as his eyes refused to open. Where was he?

Another drop of liquid on his hand this time. Where was it coming from? Had he fallen asleep in the tunnels again? Perhaps it was blood from yet another injury.

No… no, he’d made it home. He remembered seeing his family again, seeing his brothers alive and well. That hadn’t been a dream… had it?

Suddenly terrified his relief had been another illusion, Leo found the strength to pull his eyes open slowly. He recognized the ceiling of the lair, he was definitely home. His vision remained unfocused as he turned to find the source of the moisture.

Mikey. Mikey was holding his hand, silent tears streaming down his face.

Crying.

Leo felt his chest tighten in sudden worry.

Still unable to feel his right arm, he gripped Mikey’s hand with his left. The movement was enough to draw his brother’s full attention, worry etching into his face as he saw Leo’s open eyes. “Leo! You’re awake!”

The elder attempted to offer a smile, but it only pulled at the bandages covering the right half of his face, causing him to grimace in pain.

“Dude, don’t try to move. Donnie’s wrapped you up real good.”

Leo could hear his brother choking back tears as he spoke. Swallowing hard and coughing to clear his throat as much as possible, he whispered hoarsely, “Don’t… cry…”

Mikey tensed, folding his hands tighter over Leo’s.

“I’m… OK.” The elder tried to reassure. “Don’t cry.” Leo watched as Mikey wiped the moisture from his cheeks, forcing a smile.

“I’m not crying ‘cause of you. Don threatened to give an in depth explanation about the effects of pizza and soda on a young turtle’s body and just the idea of it bored me to tears!”

Leo managed a weak chuckle, but the effort shot pain through his side and he couldn’t hide the grimace.

Mikey’s smile faltered. He looked to the door that Donnie had disappeared through several minutes ago, wondering how long it took to get coffee. Maybe he should wake Master Splinter or April to make sure Leo was—

“Don’t.” Leo huffed a shallow breath. “Let them rest.”

Mikey looked down to his brother, amused. “How come you’re the only one in the family who got mind-reading powers?”

“Your eyes…” Leo swallowed thickly, eyes glossing over as he spoke. “Easy to read. Always bright. Unguarded.” He looked at Mikey with an admiration in his features that filled the young turtle with warmth. “A gift.”

“Leo…” Fresh tears welled in Mikey’s eyes. Why did it feel like he was saying goodbye? The thought alone made Mikey tremble, his mind filling with images of his brother staying behind in that awful prison. “You’re gonna get better. You have to.”

“Mikey…”

“Please… we can’t—“ He stopped, choking back a sob as his heart reminded him how much it had terrified him watching that complex explode knowing his brother was still inside. “We can’t—… we didn’t know how to—“ Taking a deep breath to stop the onslaught of emotion, Mikey lowered his head to rest it lightly on his brother’s, the warmth of Leo’s fever doing little to alleviate his fear. “We need you, Leo. You know that, right?” He felt his brother lean into the touch, taking a deep breath before speaking.

“I know.”

“So you have to rest and get better. Don’t…” He paused, attempting to still the tremble in his voice. “Don’t make us watch you leave again. _Please_ …”

Leo felt his heart break at his brother’s words. Struggling through the exhaustion, he pulled his good hand away to rest it on Mikey’s head. “It’s gonna be… alright. M’Still here.” He waited till Mikey looked at him before offering what half a smile he could. “No… more tears. Ok?”

Mikey nodded against his brother’s head, unable to stop the moisture still dripping from his eyes. He wanted so badly to see his brother get well again. So. Badly. If he got nothing else for Christmas or birthdays or holidays ever again, he wouldn’t care, as long as Leo was there to be with them. He’d even give up eating pizza.

Anything. He’d literally give anything.

“Ok.” He finally whispered, wiping his cheek as Leo held him tighter against himself.

“Good.” Leo’s eyes closed of their own accord, his body finding it too difficult to keep them open any longer. But he kept his hand on Mikey’s head, thankful to have his baby brother near for comfort. Thankful to have him here at all.

Listening to the sound of his brother’s ragged, but steady breathing, Mikey closed his eyes, curling closer to the elder as he remembered how scared he’d been of never having Leo in his life again. Another tear tracked down his cheek before he could stop it. “Love you, big bro.” He wasn’t even sure Leo was still awake to hear—

“Love you too, Mikey.”

The way his older brother said it—like a sigh of contentment after drinking a cool glass of water on a hot day—made Mikey smile, lowering his head so it rested on Leo’s shoulder while his older brother’s hand wrapped around him.

“He’s gonna be OK, Mikey.” Don’s voice entered the room, a fresh cup of coffee in his hand, and a look of worry on his face as he stared at the tears in the younger turtle’s eyes.

“I know.” Mikey said, nodding to himself before speaking more confidently. “I know.”

That night, Leo’s fever took a turn for the worse, the infection in his arm spreading through his body with new ferocity. The following night, Leo lost the arm. The night after, they nearly lost Leo.

Mikey had never cried so much in his life.

 

* * *

 

 

Leo’s mind had been racing too quickly for him to sleep. It was impossible to keep it still after everything that had happened the past few weeks. Getting used to not being leader was going to take more time than he’d hoped, and despite his family’s assurances to the contrary, Leo couldn’t help but feel superfluous. Unnecessary. Raph had taken to leadership like moss to a tree, growing stronger and bolder in his new position every day. And while Leo was beyond proud to see his brother excelling, he couldn’t deny the sting at knowing he was so easily replaced.

But he would keep it to himself. Complaining about such things would only make him feel like more of a burden than he already was. Perhaps that’s what bothered him so much; his arm kept him at such a disadvantage that, not only could he not pull his brothers’ weight anymore, he couldn’t even hold his own. It was… embarrassing.

Dishonorable.

Folding his legs in front of him, Leo let out a slow breath, attempting to calm his raging emotions.

His brothers were safe, and well taken care of in the hands of their new leader. That was all that mattered.

All that should matter.

Another sigh escaped his lips, slightly more annoyed at his own selfishness.

“Leo?”

The elder turtle turned toward the door to see Michelangelo peeking inside his room. It was late, what was he still doing up? “What’s wrong, Mikey?”

“Nothin’.” He said, trying to sound as casual as possible. “Just wanted to make sure you were alright. You didn’t mention anything about morning training when we got home, so I thought you must be sick or somethin’.”

Leo only shrugged. “It’s not my place to say anymore.”

Mikey’s heart dropped. He could hear something in his brother’s voice that was familiarly terrifying; like when Sensei had gotten sick and Leo was trying to keep them all from panicking.

He sounded lost. Hurt. Like he was scrambling to piece himself together before anyone noticed he’d fallen apart. Mikey could count on one hand the number of times he’d heard Leo sound like that, and it was heartbreaking every time.

But in usual Leo fashion, his brother was quick to sweep it aside, putting on his ‘everything’s fine’ face. “You should get some sleep, Mikey. It’s been a long day.”

The fake smile he was offered made Mikey wonder how much his brother was hiding. Was his shoulder still in pain? Did he still have nightmares about it all, like the rest of them? Was he really OK with being left behind back in the complex? Mikey couldn’t even imagine how hard it must’ve been wandering around in those tunnels alone for so long, especially as injured as Leo had been. Then to get home and wake up without an arm… it must have been terrifying.

Was Leo really OK with it?

He was here, alive and well, but not entirely home. Not whole. Because he’d lost—or was losing—a part of himself in that explosion. Mikey could see it in his eyes. Saw it back on the roof as they fought. Saw it clear as day.

There was a moment.

When Leo was struck the ground, a Foot soldier towering over him and a blade coming for his throat, his mask of composure that locked away all emotion fell and in his eyes was a look of pure terror. Panic. Pain. Mikey saw it. And he knew it had nothing to do with the blade charging at Leo’s throat, because his brother’s features practically screamed their fear: _I am worthless._

It had only been a moment. Less than a second. As was Leo’s way, he recovered quickly, spun away from the oncoming attack and returned fire with his own weapon. His mask was back on, the fire was in his eyes again, and everything was normal.

But Mikey saw it.

And it wasn’t the only time that night. After the battle, Mikey had turned to Leo to see what he thought of Raph’s leadership skills, and Leo smiled, practically beaming with pride. He even placed a hand on Raph’s shoulders and told him what a great leader he was becoming. The compliment had been so sincere, even Raph couldn’t help but smile. It was a moment that made Mikey feel like things were finally behind them.

As they jumped to the adjacent roof to head home, Mikey turned back to make sure Leo was following.

And there it was again.

The mask was gone and his eyes stared at the fisted hand at his side, glaring helplessly at his sword with that same look upon his face _: I am useless._

It had lingered for almost a full second before Leo realized he was being watched and threw his walls back up. But the damage had already been done.

Mikey saw it.

And the entire way home he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t stop seeing it. Feeling it. Couldn’t stop the emphatic heartache that came every time he pictured it.

How badly was Leo hurting? How much was he hiding from them?

Stepping further into the room, Mikey took a seat on the edge of the bed, his hands fidgeting with the covers as he fought for the right words. 

Leo watched him, waiting patiently. It was obvious there was something on his brother’s mind, something a little more powerful than a nightmare, and while Leo didn’t feel in the right frame of mind to be offering any advice or comfort right now, the look of concern on Mikey’s face was enough to still his objections. He may not be leader, but he was still big brother… he could at least do this. “Mikey?”

“Can I sleep here with you tonight?”

Leo cocked an eye ridge at the sudden request. “Did you have another nightmare?”

“No. I just… don’t want to be alone tonight.” Didn’t want Leo to be alone.

The elder turtle stared at his brother curiously for a moment before sighing in resignation. It was past time for bed anyway.

As Leo scooted to one side of the bed, Mikey crawled next to him, curling up as close to his brother as possible and wrapping his hands around Leo’s arm. The elder stared down at him a moment, confused by the intense affection. “…Mikey?”

“We need you, Leo.”

The abruptness of it took him off guard. The sudden worry in Mikey’s voice spread guilt through Leo’s veins as he realized his unguarded moments on the roof had been noticed. His arm tensed as he looked to the ceiling.

His silence only spurred Mikey on. “Leader or not, you’ll always be our big brother. Always. And we _need_ you. You know that… right?”

There was a long moment of silence as Leo felt his brother clutching his arm as if for dear life. It wasn’t fair to them. He knew his brothers blamed themselves for his condition, and skulking around feeling sorry for himself wasn’t doing them any favors. He needed to let this go. Needed to stop clinging to what was and figure out what could be. What _he_ could be.

Leo drew in another long breath. “I know.” He did. Deep down, he knew his brothers needed him, leader or not. But some days it was impossible to see why. Days like today. But for their sake as much as his own, he would keep trying. “I know.”

 Feeling Mikey still radiate with concern, Leo pulled his arm away to wrap it around his brother’s shell and pull him close. Mikey practically nuzzled into Leo’s plastron, listening to the rhythm of his brother’s heartbeat. “Leo?”

“Hmm?” The elder looked down to see his brother staring at his stump of a shoulder.

“I never said thank you. For what you did… saving our lives and everything.” He pulled his eyes up to Leo’s, fear shimmering clearly in them. “Don’t ever do it again, Ok?”

They both knew Leo would never promise that, because he would do it again in an instant if it meant saving his family’s lives. Instead, Leo pulled his brother closer, placing a hand on his head. “I’m right here, Mikey. I’m not going anywhere.”

Clinging to his older brother, Mikey couldn’t understand how Leo didn’t see it. This. This moment. This power to comfort, to reassure, to chase away fear and replace it with safety.

This was why they needed him. As leader, he was an asset. But as big brother, he was a requirement. A necessity. And somehow, Mikey would find a way to make him understand that.

“I love you, big bro.”

Leo smiled, suddenly realizing how much he needed to hear those words tonight. “Love you too, Mikey.”

Need you too.

_Need you._


	2. Donnie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Donnie's next. This was... difficult. Leo was being uncooperative. But, here it is none the less.

**Aftermath**

Tortured Souls One-shots

**II. Donnie**

“Donnie…”

How?

“Thank you.”

How could his brother actually thank him for it? How on earth could Leo… After everything he’d done…

“How could you!?”

It all repeated over and over in front of him. Every mistake.

“He trusted you! We both did! And now he’s probably not coming back!”

Every failure.

“Don!”

“But Leo—“

“GO!”

Burying him in guilt.

“Thank you.”

How could he be forgiven so easily?

His brother stirred, mercifully pulling Don from his thoughts. He stood up, leaning over the exam table to speak softly. “Leo?”

“Donnie…”

Don blew out a sigh of relief. It had been six hours since Leo last regained consciousness and his fever had only gotten worse as time passed, making Don worry his brother wouldn’t wake at all. “Hey, how are you feeling? Is your arm still numb? Can you move your fingers at all?”

Something that was half chuckle half cough escaped his brother’s lips. “One… at a… time…”

Despite how weak it was, Don felt himself relax upon hearing his brother’s voice. How great it was to hear it again. He smiled. “Can you feel anything in your arm?”

There was a moment of silence as Leo’s shoulder twitched and his arm began to move, but it stopped suddenly as he sucked in a breath, grimacing in pain. “Still… hurts. Can’t feel… my fingers.”

Don tried not to let the disappointment show in his face. “Are you having any troubles breathing? Any nausea at all?”

“M’fine…” Leo coughed, furrowing his brow as sweat trickled down it. “Hot.”

“I know. We turned off some of the heaters to help lower the temperature, but you’re still going to feel a bit warm.”

Turning that answer around in his head a moment, Leo looked up with tired eyes. “Infection?”

Don nodded; his brother was ever observant. “Yeah.”

“My arm?”

Don looked away, shame preventing him from holding his brother’s gaze any longer. “Yeah.” Leo’s eyes closed, breathing a meditative breath. Leave it to his oldest brother to keep a cool head even when grievously injured and sick. There had to be a part of him that was worried. “Leo…” But what could Don say to make any of this better? “It’s… it’s going to be alright. You’ll get better. I’ll fix you up and you’ll be back on your feet in no time.” With more conviction than he felt, he added, “I promise.”

Leo managed a small smile, hearing that familiar tone of Don trying to convince himself as he spoke. “I know, Don. I trust you.”

Trusted for no reason, forgiven when he didn’t deserve it. Guilt like an arrow pierced Don’s heart. “Leo I—…” He stumbled over the apology in his head, unable to even think it without feeling tears well up in his eyes. He never knew guilt could hurt this much. “I want you to know, I never blamed you for what happened. Any of it. It wasn’t your fault—I was just scared! I thought Mikey was going to… and Raph… and I shouldn’t have…“

“Don… it’s OK.”

“No, it’s not! I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have blamed you. I—I—“ No no, don’t go there. Step on that emotional landmine and there might not be any coming back. Leo needed him to be strong, not—But he couldn’t help himself. “—I shouldn’t have left!!”

Even through the haze in his eyes, Leo could see his brother starting to tremble. “Donnie…”

“I didn’t want to!”

“I know—“

But Don’s emotions were in control and they weren’t stopping. “The clock was ticking, the door was closing, Mikey and Raph were both shouting and—I couldn’t think straight! I couldn’t process it! And then you said to leave and I knew if we didn’t then Mikey and Raph—and I couldn’t let that happen! I couldn’t!”

“Don, it wasn’t—“

“I was tired, I couldn’t think of another way out! I know there had to be one, I know there was another solution—there’s always a way out! But I wasn’t fast enough to think of it. And then Shredder pulled loose and the door closed and—And I left! I left you behind! Left you there to die!” His voice began to break as he held a palm against his eye, trying to stifle the tears, his mind assaulting him with the image of his brother facing Shredder as they drove off. As he drove off. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Leo! I—“ But words were no longer enough. His heart was trying to spill too many emotions at once and Don couldn’t keep up with them. He choked back a sob, mumbling over and over, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

A minute that felt like an eternity passed, and Don finally found the strength to reign himself back in. Never in his life had his emotions run so rampant on him as they had this past week, and he prayed never again. He hated not having control over them. Turning away to rub out the last of the tears, Don steadied himself with a deep breath before turning back to—

Leo was… smiling? Why would he… was he delirious?

“Don.” He gestured with a nod for his brother to come closer, which Don did, breathing away the last of his outburst. “Give me your hand.” Gently wiggling his good arm free of Mikey’s sleeping grasp, Leo waited as Don stared at him in confusion before finally doing as told. Guiding his brother’s hand to Mikey’s neck, he waited a moment before asking, “Do you feel that?”

“His pulse? Yeah, but—“ Leo motioned for him to do the same to Raph, who was passed out in his chair beside Don. He nodded. “Ok, I feel his pulse too, but I don’t under—“

Leo took Don’s hand in his own again and placed it on top of his plastron, over his heart.

“Leo, I don’t see—“

“Because of you…”

Don’s breath hitched. He’d been dreading this… the moment his brother finally lashed out for everything Don had done wrong.

“They’re alive… because of you.” Leo finally found the strength to focus his gaze, watching as his brother’s eyes widened. “You got them out. Got them home.” With nothing but admiration in his eyes, Leo squeezed his brother’s hand tighter, hoping his words would be taken to heart. Words were all he had right now. “You… saved them, Don. And you’re saving… me too.” He paused, suppressing a cough so Don could hear the adamancy in his voice. “None of this… is your fault.”

Don cracked.

Bowing his head to rest on Leo’s chest, he let himself cry, finding endless comfort from Leo’s hand coming to rest on his head, holding him. He was acting like such a child and he didn’t care. He needed this. Needed to feel Leo near him. To feel his strength and determination and reassurance.

“It’s OK, little brother… It’s over. We’re home.”

And for the first time since being here, it truly felt like home. Mikey and Raph were safe and healing, and now Leo was back, comforting as he always did. It didn’t rid Don of his guilt, but hearing his brother didn’t blame him was a relief incapable of being expressed in words. Only tears.

“Shell, I missed you, Leo.”

The elder managed a small smile. “Missed… you…”

Looking up at his brother, Don saw his eyes roll towards his skull and his head lilt to the side. “Leo!?” Don was standing back up in an instant as his brother’s body began to shake. “Leo!!” The convulsions were so intense they woke Mikey from his slumber.

“Huh!? Don, what’s—!?”

“Mikey, help me roll him on his side!” The two moved Leo into a recovery position, Don careful to place his injured arm at his side as gently as possible. Splinter and April emerged from the kitchen as Raph and Casey awoke with a start, standing immediately upon feeling the fear blanketing the room.

“What the heck is going—!?“

“A febrile seizure, we need to cool him down! Now!” As everyone ran to find ice and cold cloths to cover Leo’s body, Don held his brother, staring down at the pain now marring his face. Not a minute ago he was smiling… “Hold on, Leo.” Leo trusted him. He had to make this right. “I’ll fix this, I promise.”

There was no way he would lose his brother again. Couldn’t. “Just hold on. Please…”

But Leo only got worse, walking to the edge of his mortality with every hour. And Don realized he couldn’t keep his promise. He couldn’t save his brother. Not all of him.

He would never forgive himself.

 

* * *

 

**8 Months Later**

“Get him on the table! Mikey, grab the gauze!”

“Where—“

“Last drawer on your left.”

“Guys, I’m fine. There’s no need to—“

“Shut it, Fearless. Sit your ass down.”

“My sons, what has happ—Leonardo!”

“I’m alright, Sensei. It’s not as bad as it looks.”

“Like shell it ain’t! You took a knife to the side!”

“It’s not that deep. A few stitches and I’ll be—Ah!”

“Sit still, Leo! I can’t get a good look. Mikey, grab the flashlight on that table.”

“He’s gonna be OK, right Don?”

“I’ll be fine, Mikey.”

“Not by the time I’m through with you. I told you to pull back, we had it under control! You wouldn’t have gotten hurt if you’da done what you were—“

“Raphael.” Splinter’s commanding voice rose above the chaos, silencing everyone in the room. “You and Michelangelo will come with me and explain what happened.”

Mikey’s eyes widened in alarm, glancing from his Sensei to Leo. “But—!”

“Your brother will be alright. Allow Donatello room to work and come with me.”

There was no more argument. Raph growled his frustration, mumbling incoherently under his breath as he glared at his eldest brother one last time before stomping reluctantly out of the room.

Mikey looked once more at the blood running down his brother’s side and was reluctant to move away. “But…”

“I’ll be fine, Mikey.” Leo gave a reassuring smile, watching as Mikey was guided from the room by Sensei, staring back at his brothers the whole time. “That was dramatic.”

“You can’t blame them.” Don spoke mechanically, more focused on Leo’s injury than their conversation. “Lie down, I need better light.”

Leo pulled his legs onto the table, rolling onto his left side so his right was facing toward the light. “All I did was protect your blind side.”

“You jumped in front of a sword, Leo. That’s reason enough for us to be concerned.”

Neither spoke as Don took to cleaning and stitching his brother’s wound. The cut was on a diagonal, under the shoulder and down across the front torso. Fortunately it hadn’t been strong enough to penetrate through Leo’s plastron, so the only part bleeding was by his shoulder. Less fortunately, that part of Leo’s body was still healing, making it much more sensitive and less prone to repair. “It’s going to take a while to heal, but I think you’ll live. Provided you actually allow yourself time to heal.” Eyeing his brother, Don added. “Away from the dojo.”

“I get it, Don.” Leo sat up slowly, hiding a grimace, and noticed the look his brother gave him before turning away to put his supplies back. “What?”

“You could stand to be more careful. You’re still not back to full streng—“

“I’m fine. Misjudged my angle, that’s all.”

Don couldn’t help but note the slight edge in his brother’s voice and replied in kind. “You were careless and you know it.” It only dawned on him after his rebuttal that Leo was probably as upset as the rest of them that he’d been hit, knowing his perfectionist nature. But his brother spoke before he could correct himself.

“…You’re angry with me, too.”

Don sighed. “Not angry, I’m not Raph.” Leo smiled at that. “Just worried. We all are.”

“Don’t be.” The edge grew sharper still. “You’ve all been worrying a little too much lately. I don’t need—“

“We worry about you because you throw your limitations to the wind when it comes to protecting us. Even if we don’t want it.”

The irritation that slipped into Don’s tone caused Leo to pause for a beat. Sighing to keep his own frustration under control, Leo continued calmly. “What was I supposed to do, Don? Let that Foot bot kill you?”

“You’re supposed to trust that I can handle myself.”

“I do, but no one’s perfect. You were left wide open. I couldn’t just let you die—“

“But it’s fine if you do!?” Don couldn’t help his raised voice. It annoyed him to no end that Leo didn’t see the error of his thinking, and once again his emotions were slowly taking control. “Why is that? Why is OK for you to sacrifice yourself for us, but not the other way around!? Why is OK for you to die, but not us!?”

Leo was caught off-guard by his brother’s reaction, but remained patient. He could see Don was on a roll and wasn’t stopping now that he had ground. “It’s not—“

“Is it because you think we’d be alright without you? Because we wouldn’t!”

“You would—“

“We weren’t!!!” Silence filled the room, drawing out the tension like a blade. Don turned away to lean on the counter and prevent Leo from seeing the raw pain in his face. “We know what it’s like to live without you, Leo. Because we’ve experienced it! I know it was only for a week, but it may as well have been a lifetime because that’s what it felt like! It felt like a nightmare that was never going to end!”

Leo’s features pulled tight; it hurt to hear his brother so upset over him.

“We were lost, Leo! We didn’t know what we were supposed to do or how on earth we were supposed to continue without you. Not a minute passed when we weren’t desperately wishing you’d come back. Especially while Raph was Injured! We needed you and you weren’t… you were gone. And it was the worst thing in the world feeling that kind of emptiness.” Pausing to force his emotions into submission, Don took a deep breath and spoke with determination. “I never want to feel that kind of pain again. I can’t…”

The slight crack in his brother’s voice jerked Leo’s heart sharply. “Don…”

“I know we’ve been a bit overprotective lately, but it has nothing to do with your arm. We just… we can’t stand the idea of losing you again. It hurts too much…”

Leo sighed a long breath, taking in his brother’s words and bracing himself against the wall of emotion he knew would crack with his next words. “…You’re not the only ones who are scared.”

Don looked solemnly at his brother who’s eyes had drifted to the floor.

“I still hear Raph’s screams. Still feel his blood coating my fingers. I still see Mikey lying beaten in that cage. Still feel that moment when I sent him away…”

Don also threw his gaze to the floor, remembering that terrible moment in grave detail.

“When Shredder flooded the prison and you were drowning… when I found you and you weren’t breathing, had no pulse…” Leo had to drag in another breath to keep himself in check. “I relive that moment every day. I can’t stop seeing it. Stop feeling it. That moment when I thought you were dead because I’d taken too long.”

Don brought sympathetic eyes up to his brother. “Leo…”

“I saw that sword coming at you and all I could think of was that moment. I had to do something. I couldn’t…”

Don’s voice softened from the anger he’d felt earlier. “I understand. Really I do. But there had to have been a better way. A safer way. Why did you have to—“

“I forgot, Don.” Leo confessed, closing his eyes a moment to hide his shame. “I blocked the first strike with my left and spun to block the next with my right. It was reflex. Muscle memory. After eight months I’m still not used to…”

Don watched his brother grip his stumped shoulder, anger apparent in his features. But with another deep breath, the anger was gone, replaced with Leo’s usual calm expression.

“I’m sorry I frightened you. I didn’t mean for this to happen. It won’t…” Leo stopped himself, knowing he couldn’t promise what he was about to. “…I’ll do better next time.”

Don smiled; Leo was steadfast as ever. It would never cease to amaze him how perseverant his brother was. How much comfort his unending determination offered. How necessary he was to the family. To the team.

To Don.

Looking back up to his brother, Don saw him leaving the room and suddenly felt guilty for the conversation ending there. “Leo—“

“I’m going to apologize to the others.”

“Leo, wait.” His elder brother paused but didn’t turn around. “You don’t have to--I mean, it wasn’t—…“ Don sighed. “Thank you. For having my back. I’m glad you’re still out there with us.”

For a long moment Leo stood unmoving, to the point where Don wondered if he’d said something wrong. But just before he could ask, Leo turned. “Thanks Donnie.”

The genuine smile his brother offered melted Don’s worries in an instant, and the relief was so unexpected, he couldn’t help but add with a light laugh, “I missed you, Leo.” This sort of comfort had been all but non-existent 8 months ago.

Leo shook his head humorously. “You too, little bro.” He meant it. With how rattled Don had been after the incident, it was only a few months ago he’d started acting more like himself and actually interacting with everyone again. And Leo was grateful to have his brother back.

But as the elder turned to leave, his smile fell away, leaving only a bitter pull to his features. He believed his brother was thankful to have him out on patrol, but he knew it wasn’t thanks to the skills he brought with him. He was barely half the fighter he used to be and was causing more harm than good most days. It was only a matter of time before his inadequacies got one of them hurt.

He was drowning in his inadequacies, and for once wasn’t sure he could find the strength to fight it.

Shrugging his shoulders, Leo wiped the bitterness from his face before coming into view of the others who were still in the main room with Sensei. They didn’t know his fears and he wouldn’t tell them. Couldn’t.

He was too ashamed.


	3. Raph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raphael's turn. It's a bit longer than the others, but Raph and Leo had the most to work out post Tortured Souls, in my opinion. 
> 
> There will be at least one more for Splinter, but I might be willing to do more. Who would you like to see next? I might be willing to take suggestions for inspiration sake.

**Aftermath**

Tortured Souls One-shots

 

**III. Raph**

_They were going to drown._

_The thought didn’t frighten Raph in the least. All he could think about—all his panic and fear was focused on—was his younger brothers, locked in their cells across the way, clinging tightly to each other for dear life. They were going to drown, and he’d have to sit there and watch._

_Don was first._

_He must have known it was coming because the minute the first cough escaped he’d pulled away from Mikey, probably trying to spare the kid from having to hold his own brother as he suffocated._

_It was only seconds, agonizing and terrifying, before Don stilled, convulsions ceasing as his eyes closed._

_Then Mikey coughed. And Raph’s world fell apart._

_He screamed. Out of anger, out of desperation, out of fear. His entire being was tearing apart from the inside out at having to watch his family die in front of him. Now his head was spinning, his vision was blurring, and he felt his lungs on the verge of forcing his brain to take control and breathe._

_It was his turn._

_Suddenly the room was draining. Raph clawed above the water with whatever strength was left in him, dragging in the largest breath of oxygen he’d ever taken. He looked to the door that had opened, freeing them from their watery graves._

_And there stood Leo. His older brother. Littered in minor burns and bleeding from a nasty cut in his arm. He’d fought to free himself from Shredder. Fought to free them from drowning._

_Fought and won._

_Leo always won._

“Don, do something!”

“He’s lost too much blood! There’s nothing I can—“

“Then take mine!”

“No Raph!” Don turned on his brother, his panic peaking through the calm of his eyes. “You’re still injured. Taking blood now would only—“

“He’s _dying_ , Don!” The room fell into silence, Leo’s shallow and haggard breathing the only sound to be heard. Raph clenched his fists at his side, growling as he continued. “You and I are the only ones compatible with him, and we can’t risk you passing out right now.” Don was silent as he held his brother’s stare. His eyes said he already knew the logic, he just hated the outcome.

“Raph, the risk is too—“

“I don’t give a damn about the risk!” Raph watched as his brother seemed to war over the idea in his head, probably going over every possible thing that could go wrong. Patience had never been Raph’s forte. “I’ll do it myself if I have to, but it won’t be pretty.”

Don looked down to their eldest sibling’s frail body and sighed heavily. “Fine. Sit.” Gathering his meagre supplies as Raph shifted his chair to the other side of the bed, Don hooked his two older brothers to each other, blood flowing from Raph’s right arm into Leo’s left. “You’re going to pass out. You’re body’s not strong enough yet for—“

“I know.” He didn’t care.

_They were nearly all on the boat. Shredder was fighting Leo, and as usual, his brother was holding his own. Fighting to keep them all safe. Fighting to get home._

_The clock was running down, the doors to the hangar were closing, the complex would explode in a manner of minutes, and his brother still fought. Still remained where he was, keeping Shredder from attacking the three of them who were too weak to hold their own._

_And then they drove off. They left him there to fend for himself. To fight for his life._

_To fight for their lives._

_Alone._

_And somehow, Leo survived. Came back._

_Won._

_Leo always won._

“Don?” Mikey watched as his brother washed his hands, eyes lost and face blank. “What do we do now? Is he gonna be OK?”

It took a moment for Don to answer, his mind still focused on all the blood draining down the sink. “I… I don’t know, Mikey. We can only wait and see.”

Dread bowled over the room, knocking any attempts at conversation from their thoughts. Mikey looked from Don to Leo, fear slowly growing in his features. The silence only made it all worse.

“He’ll be fine.” All eyes turned to Raph as he spoke, his glare focused on the rise and fall of his brother’s chest. “Fearless never quits. He’ll be alright.”

There was something about the confidence in how he said it that made no one object. They wanted it to be true.

Begged it to be.

_“Raph,” He could practically feel Leo’s pain as his own. Every word he spoke looked like agony. Yet still he fought. “Raph, keep going.”_

_“Leo get up!” Raph was scared. But not of the darkness pulling him away, he was scared of Leo leaving. He could see Leo’s heart practically lurch from his chest with desire to help, but whatever held him down was far too powerful._

_Then Leo looked at him, actual fear in his eyes. Raph couldn’t remember if he’d ever seen that there before. It chilled his blood. “Don’t quit, Raph.” His brother’s words were almost indiscernible behind Raph’s wall of fear, but he clamoured to hear them. Clung to them. With everything that was in him._

_“Find home.” With what looked like the last of his strength, Leo found his brother’s eyes and held them, both knowing it could be the last time they locked._

_“Raph…”_

“I’m here, Leo.” A hand on Leo’s shoulder, strong and steady, cut through the shadows. The weightlessness disappeared as he felt himself fall back into his body. “We’re home.” Sleep beckoned, but the hand on his shoulder anchored him, granting enough strength for him to hold tight to consciousness.

Raph could see the struggle as his brother attempted to open his eyes. If he hadn’t been so desperate to see Leo awake, he would have told the idiot to rest some more. But their fearless leader had only been conscious a handful of times since his return, and Raph had been passed out for most of them.

He needed to see Leo’s eyes. Make sure he was still here. Still fighting to stay with them.

“Mornin’ sleeping beauty.” He said as Leo’s lids finally parted.

“Raph.” It sounded more like a sigh of relief than anything else.

The younger turtle gave his brother’s shoulder a slightly tighter squeeze. “Still here.” Leo’s dull eyes wandered weakly across the room and Raph saw the worry already setting in. “April and Casey went to get some more meds, Don and Sensei are talking in the kitchen, and Mikey’s right here.” He stepped aside so Leo could see their baby brother asleep in the chair, his head on Leo’s arm and hand clasped tightly around his brother’s. “Everyone’s safe.” The worry didn’t completely disappear from Leo’s face, but he breathed a shallow sigh of relief. He opened his mouth to speak, but his voice was so weak, Raph couldn’t hear him. “What?” He asked, bending closer to his brother’s face.

“Are you… alright?”

Raph shook his head, gawking. “Me? For cryin’ out loud, Leo, I ain’t the one lyin’ in bed covered in bandages like a mummy.”

“You… look terrible.”

That earned a slight smirk from the younger turtle. “Yeah, well, you ain’t winnin’ no beauty contests either.”

There was a drawn out pause as Leo closed his eyes to breathe, and Raph couldn’t help the spike in his heartbeat when it took longer than expected for his brother’s chest to rise and fall.

“Your… shoulder…?”

The way Leo’s voice sounded—all weak and strained like he’d been shouting for days on end—made Raph want to force him to shut up. He couldn’t take hearing it. But his worry was outmatched by the comfort of hearing Leo awake. Alive. Not that he’d ever admit it.

“Raph?”

The younger turtle blinked away his worry and rolled his eyes. “It’s fine. I told you it’d take more than that bucket head to bring me down.” His brother seemed to almost smile at that. “Now stop worrying about the rest of the world for a few minutes, shut yer trap and rest. If you don’t get better soon, Mikey’s gonna permanently fuse your hands together.”

Leo’s head lilted to the side, looking to their youngest sibling with his brow furrowed in concern. “How—“ He paused, trying to swallow to wet his throat so it didn’t hurt so much to talk. “How is he?”

“Tired. I don’t think the kid’s used to getting so little sleep.”

Leo nodded to the bandages. “His chest?”

“Healing. Don says he’ll be back to his usual pain-in-the-ass antics in the next few weeks.”

That seemed to settle some more of the worry in Leo’s face. “And Don?”

Raph looked to the door, not sure how honestly he should answer that question. “He’s… fine. Apparently Leatherhead was here last week and fixed him up, but I don’t think he’s been sleepin’ much.”

Leo nodded knowingly, following his brother’s gaze to the door. “Make sure… he eats. Don… forgets about… food… when he’s worried.”

Raph couldn’t take hearing Leo’s voice so weak anymore. “What’d I say about worrying over everyone else? We’re fine, Fearless. Shut up and get some sleep or I’ll knock you out myself.” Leo did as instructed, but the minute he closed his eyes, the shuttering breath he took made Raph want to shake him awake again.

“It was… so… real.”

Raph blinked in confusion. “What?”

“The void.” Raph tensed at the mention. “I saw you… pulled away. I thought…” Leo swallowed thickly again, finding it far more difficult to speak than it should be. “I thought you were…”

“I ain’t.” Raph hated talking about this. “These guys brought me back, same as you.”

Both siblings looked to their youngest brother. Even in sleep there was worry written all over his face. “They’ve… been through a lot.”

“Yeah…” Raph folded his arms across his chest, staring at his baby brother as though he could wipe away the worry by looking hard enough. “Yeah, they have. So make it easier on ‘em and get better already.”

“OK.” Leo blinked, taking a very long time to open his eyes again. “I’ll… do that.”

Falling into silence, Raph noticed his brother stare at Mikey again before looking to the door, unease working it’s way back into his features. Always the worrywart. Raph blew out a long suffering sigh, placing his hand on Leo’s shoulder and staring intently. Adamantly. “Rest, bro. I got them. I promise.”

Another shuttering breath had Leo sighing, the worry draining from his features once more. “I know. You always… keep them… safe.” It was an unexpected compliment that made Raph tense, not sure how to respond. He couldn’t help but stare as his brother looked to him, a fond smile on his face. “Thank you… Raphael.”

Raph stiffened, watching as Leo’s eyes finally closed. His chest felt tight all of a sudden, but he swallowed back the emotions roiling to get out. Such honest adoration from Leo was rare, and Raph hadn’t been ready for it.

Hadn’t realized how much it meant to hear it.

Or how badly he’d want to hear it again.

Forcing his thoughts away, Raph grinned at his older brother. “It’s good to have you back, Fearless.” He only said it because he knew Leo was lost to sleep, but he felt the sentiment deep to his core. Raph wasn’t ready for a world without his older brother, and he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to be.

Ever could be.

Looking back at Mikey and then to the door, Raph considered what Leo had said about Don and food. Now that he thought of it, he couldn’t remember seeing Don eat anything since Leo’s miraculous return. The idiot. He made a mental note. “Figures the genius would be the one to—“

He paused, staring down at his brother. His chest wasn’t moving anymore. “Leo?” Leaning close to listen for breath, Raph heard nothing. He held his fear at bay, placing two fingers to Leo’s carotid and waiting. Waiting.

Nothing.

Raph moved without thought, placing his hands over his brother’s chest and pumping, feeling his own heart rate spike immediately. “DON!!”

The purple masked turtle was there in an instant, his eyes wide as he came upon the scene. No questions were asked, he simply started up his overworked life-support machine, placing the mask over Leo’s beak.

“What happened!?” Mikey cried, eyes brimming with tears at having woken to chaos and fear. Again. Again!

“I have a pulse.” Don announced mechanically, moving Raph aside to assess Leo’s vitals. It was barely thirty seconds before he cursed under his breath, pumping his brother’s chest again.

“Don! What’s going—“

“His heart keeps stopping.” Came Don’s quick reply, not looking away from Leo. “Probably the blood loss from the amputation.”

Raph barely waited for Don to finish, grabbing the needle and tubing before even registering he’d moved.

“I’ll do it.” Don stepped in, grabbing the supplies and sitting Raph right next to Leo.

Mikey watched the blood flow through the tube from Raph into their eldest and clung tightly to their leader’s hand. “Come on, Leo.” Not again. Please not again.

Raph glared at his brother when Don cursed and started CPR once more. “Don’t you dare.” He leaned in close, clasping his brother’s shoulder once again. “I got you too, Leo. And I ain’t lettin’ go.” His grip tightened as fear drowned his heart. “So you sure as hell better not.”

Leo never gave up. “Fight, bro.”

Leo was always fighting for his family. “For us.”

Fighting to keep them safe and together. Whole. “Don’t quit.”

And Leo always won.

“Find home.”

Always.

 

* * *

 

**9 Months Later**

Raph swiped down, attacking an invisible enemy from above and having to imagine the satisfying crunch of bone. What he wouldn’t give to have a thug to pound on right now.

Twisting to attack another ghost, Raph couldn’t stop playing the events of the day in his head. Like a drum pounding on his skull, it beat across his vision with every movement he made.

Again. It almost happened again.

Anger roiled in his stomach as he swung his sai around ferociously, begging for there to be a Foot or a Dragon there for him to—

He suddenly met resistance with a loud clang of metal against metal. Raph looked up to see his older brother standing in front of him, sword raised, fight stance in place, blocking his sai. Had Raph been in a more amiable mood, he might have grinned at the opportunity. But tonight wasn’t a time for grinning.

Tightening his fists around his weapons, Raph threw an attack from the left, forcing Leo to move his guard up and step back.

The spar had begun.

Normally, Raph was very careful when sparring with his brother. Since Leo’s amputation, his fighting prowess hadn’t been up to par, so Raph always made sure not to take things too far.

But not tonight. Tonight he was too heated. Angry. He needed something to attack without mercy and Leo had offered himself as a willing sacrifice.

The battle waged for what must have been an hour before Raph even registered the sweat dripping down his brow. He was too caught up in the fight. Too caught up in the memories.

In the fear.

A swipe to his right caught him off guard, and Raph had to twist to let his shell take the blow. He growled, turning around to lock weapons with Leo.

His martyrus older brother who seemed bound and determined to scare his brothers out of their wits.

Who didn’t follow orders because he knew better.

Knew better than Raph.

Outrage shot through Raph’s body, blinding him to reason. He used Leo’s careful guarding of his right shoulder to attack the left. When Leo blocked, Raph turned, ramming himself into his older brothers stumped limb, sending him skidding several feet.

It took Leo a moment to recover, hiding his pain behind a scowl. But when he looked up readying his sword for more, Raphael was no longer attacking with his weapons.

Only words.

“It was a _bomb_ , Leo! I told you to get back, not run towards it! What if you hadn’t thrown it off the dock in time!? What if one of the soldiers got passed us and slowed you down!? What if—What the shell were you _thinking_!?”

Raph could feel his anger mounting as Leo just stood there, staring at him with that neutral expression plastered on his face.

“Do you have any idea how terrified Mikey and Don were? They thought we were gonna have to watch you blow yourself up! _Again_! We thought you were—Shell, you’re such an idiot!! I know you don’t trust me to lead, but you don’t have to get yourself killed to prove your point!! Why in the hell would you pull a stunt like that after everything we went through!? What the hell is the matter with you!?”

Raph was barely aware he was still speaking. His mind and emotions were running far faster than he could ever hope to keep pace with. Rage clouded his vision and for a moment, he could only feel pain. That terrifying pain in his chest like when he thought his brother had died.

When he’d watched Leo stay behind. When the doors had closed him in. When they drove off without him.

When the bomb had gone off.

“AHHH!” Raph shouted. Something loud and guttural and wordless, turning his shell to his brother and throwing his sai at the wall with enough force to penetrate deep into the concrete, sprouting cracks in all directions.

Control came back slowly as Raph huffed in deep gulps of air. When his vision finally cleared, he turned and saw Leo standing there, staring, shame written plainly on his face.

Shame. Raph couldn’t say it wasn’t deserved. He was a terrible leader. Every mission they’d been on since Raph took charge had been one disaster after another. He wasn’t good enough for this. Never could be.

Leo should be ashamed of him.

He was ashamed of himself.

He tensed when Leo started speaking, preparing for a fight.

“It’s terrifying, isn’t it? All that responsibility… it’s supposed to come with power, but more often than not it just makes you feel powerless. Because it doesn’t matter how much you train or how prepared you are or what strategies you think of, life is too unpredictable. People make choices that you can’t control, things happen that you weren’t expecting, and something almost always goes wrong.”

It was the tone of his voice more so than his words that caught Raph off guard. He turned slightly further towards his brother, still huffing deep breaths. Leo sounded so… small. It wasn’t right.

“That’s why it’s never about a successful mission. It’s never about how well you performed or what strategies worked or who did their job and obeyed orders.” Leo paused, his eyes finding the floor. “It’s about coming home. It’s about staying together and making sure everyone makes it back to their bed intact. Every time. If you can get everyone home alive, you’ve lead your team well. Done your job. And that’s all that can be expected of you.”

Raph was completely silent. Still. He couldn’t help but stare as Leo closed his eyes, the faintest of smiles on his face as he called forth a memory.

“About a month into our first patrols, I had a break down. I came to the dojo, kneeled before Sensei, and cried my eyes out.”

Raph’s eye ridges rose in surprise at the confession, but he said nothing.

“It was after our first encounter with the Foot. We all only barely made it home, and even a week after, I couldn’t shake that feeling… the fear of knowing I’d almost got you all killed. I didn’t sleep for almost ten days.”

A vague image of a younger Leonardo stumbling around the dojo with dark bags under his eyes bubbled to the surface of Raph’s memory. He remembered thinking at the time that Leo was just overworking himself with training, like usual. He had no idea…

“When I finally went to see Sensei about it, I cried, and I begged him to make someone else leader because I was too scared of failing again. That’s when he told me that success wasn’t in getting the mission done, it was in coming home. Staying together.” Shrugging, Leo admitted, “I still have trouble with it. I still can’t help but get angry or disappointed when a mission goes south or a patrol ends in disaster, because I know I should be capable of being successful and keeping you guys safe. But Sensei was right… the most important thing should always be coming home.”

Raph barely noticed the silence, his mind was too lost in the words Leo had spoken. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time his brother had been so open with him. If ever.

Suddenly, Raph felt a hand on his shoulder, and it was only then that he realized he’d been shaking. But he couldn’t tell which emotion was causing the tremble, rage or fear? Turning with a glare that was more stubborn than angry, he faced his brother.

“You’re a good leader, Raph. I’ve never thought otherwise. I don’t know why you don’t believe me, but it’s the truth. You’re learning strategy and restraint and level-headedness at a rapid rate and you’ve even managed to be more patient when Mikey jokes during a battle, which is something I still haven’t mastered.”

Raph would have smirked at that if he wasn’t so enwrapped in the fondness beaming from Leo’s eyes. When did he become so candid and forthcoming? And why did it mean so much to hear it? See it.

Feel it.

“The bomb wasn’t… it didn’t have anything to do with your leadership. I wasn’t trying to question your strategy, I just… I panicked.” Leo looked away a moment, something in his eyes that Raph couldn’t see, before turning back. “I couldn’t shake the feeling that we wouldn’t be able to fight our way out before it went off. But I saw the clock, judged the distance, and with you three holding the line, I knew I could get to the water in time to chuck it and run.”

Despite understanding the explanation and knowing he would have done the same thing, Raph still couldn’t help the twinge of irritation at his brother’s actions. “…It was still dangerous, Leo. Unnecessarily dangerous. If anything had gone wrong—“

“I know.” There it was again, shame creeping into his brother’s face. And for the first time, Raph began to realize it wasn’t aimed at him. But quick as it had come, it was hidden, and Raph didn’t have a chance to ask before Leo rendered him speechless again. “I’m sorry that I’ve made you think I don’t trust you. I do. You always keep them safe, and that’s what matters most.”

Raph’s shoulder’s hitched as he tried to hide how hungry his heart was to hear those words.

“And I’m sorry about tonight. I didn’t mean to—for any of this—…” Leo sighed heavily. “I’ll do better.”

Raph stared at his brother. He felt Leo squeeze his shoulder and couldn’t shake the feeling that it was to draw comfort for himself rather than give it to Raph. Time seemed to freeze as Raph went over Leo’s words in his head over and over, unable to stop his chest from tightening at the relief he felt in hearing how sincerely his brother trusted him.

But nothing compared to the knowledge that Leo was honestly making an effort not to be the martyr he usually was. He’d panicked and acted. Raph couldn’t really fault him for that. It was immeasurably weird to hear coming from Leo, but still… the realization that his older brother made mistakes too was more comforting than it should have been.

Finally unclenching his fists, Raph clamped his hand on his brother’s wrist that was still on his shoulder. “Never thought I’d live to see the day when you actually made a mistake, Fearless.”

“I make them all the time. I just blame them on Mikey.”

Both exchanged a smirk before Raph noticed blood dripping down Leo’s shoulder. His gaze drew Leo’s, who quickly covered it with his hand.

“Just hit a soft spot. Doesn’t hurt.”

But guilt still jolted through Raph’s veins. “I shouldn’t’ve—“

“I gave you the opening, not your fault for taking it.” Stepping away from his brother to pry the sai from the wall—which took more effort than expected—Leo looked the weapon over, eyeing the red leather hilt. “But if you still need to blow off some steam, I wouldn’t mind a rematch. Still can’t move fast enough to block on that side without leaving myself exposed.” He held the sai out to his brother, a glint in his eye. “I could use the practice.”

The tension in Leo’s shoulders as he spoke of his weakness was obvious. Looked like Raph wasn’t the only one in need of punching his way through some issues. And if sparring would help his brother, Raph was happy to oblige. He took his sai and spun it in his hand in sync with the other. “If you think you’re up to it. But I ain’t goin’ easy.”

“Didn’t ask you to.” Walking back to where his katana lay on the floor, Leo picked it up and held it a moment. With his shell to his brother, he knew Raph couldn’t see, so he allowed the irritation and disgrace to run through his eyes for a moment.

It was getting harder and harder to keep hidden. But Leo wasn’t willing to accept help just yet. Couldn’t. He’d clearly been burdening his family enough with worry and concern as of late, they didn’t need his self-doubt on top of it.

He could figure this out on his own. Had to.

For himself and for them.

Breathing deep and closing in the emotions, Leo turned to a ready stance, eyeing his brother with determination in his eyes. Raphael wouldn’t hold back. If Leo could hold his own against his brother, he would know he was improving.

“You ready to get your ass handed to you?”

Leo couldn’t help but grin at the smug smirk on Raph’s face. “Ready to watch you try.”

Raph snorted a quick laugh as he spun his sai again, dropping low to match Leo’s stance. With all the injuries they’d had to heal from this year, it felt like ages since he last sparred with his older brother. He was practically vibrating in anticipation. “Damn it’s good to have you back, Fearless.”

Leo was caught off guard by the sudden statement, but kept it off his face. His grin spread wide as he twirled his katana. “Give it ten minutes.”

The two held each other’s eyes for a moment, each determined to express what they never could in words:

I need this. I need you.

Seconds later, the dojo erupted with the clashing of metal and grunts of exertion that went on for several hours, neither brother willing to admit defeat.

Neither ready to leave the other’s company.


	4. Splinter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took much longer than it should have. Apologies. 
> 
> This chapter is a mix of deleted scenes I’d written before, and ideas that spawned from a fanfiction suggestion of “the night the everyone was home”. It takes place several hours after the end of the final chapter in Tortured Souls.

**Aftermath**  
Tortured Souls One-Shots

**IV. Splinter**

Splinter ran a hand down Leonardo’s forehead, his own brow furrowing with concern at how warm it felt. He watched his son’s chest rise and fall in halted rhythm, noting how shallow each inhale sounded. Inevitably, his eyes moved to the bandages covering his eldest’s body, holding in a shudder of fear that snaked it’s way through his limbs. The damage that had been done was immense, and given what it took for Donatello to repair it all, Splinter could think of no other word to describe his son’s return than ‘miraculous’. It was a dagger twisting in his heart to think of what had caused such injuries. To think of what pain his son had been in all this time. What pain he was still experiencing. But Splinter reminded himself that such things paled in comparison to the relief of having his children all home. Safe.

Leonardo was alive. The agonizing grief Splinter had experienced these past few weeks could finally begin to repair, and he refused to relinquish such comfort, even in the face of such concerning circumstances.

A stifled moan from his second eldest brought his mind back to the room. Raphael was gripping his shoulder, attempting not to wear the pain on his face. He glanced to his left to see Michelangelo bobbing his head, fighting to stay awake amidst the weariness. And as always, Donatello paced his worry, checking vitals, replacing saline, and doing all he could to ignore the exhaustion his body was throwing at him.

His family may be home, but they were not healed.

A pang of guilt had Splinter straightening his back to hide a grimace. His enemy had done this. His nemesis. Tormented his children to get to him. It was not new, Splinter had seen his sons hurt by Saki’s rage before, but it had never gone this far. It had never hurt them so wholly. Cut them so deep.

Splinter shook his head. Such dismal thoughts were not useful. Guilt would not heal his children. Worry would not take away their pain.

Glancing down again, Splinter placed a gentle hand on his eldest’s cheek, stroking it fondly.

“He’s going to be alright, Sensei.”

Donatello’s voice brought Splinter from the memories that had begun to dance around him. He looked up to his children staring at him with worry in their eyes, and realized he had been wearing his pain on his sleeve. Blinking away the powerful emotions, he offered his sons a tentative smile. “Yes he will.” But he could see the doubt in their eyes.

They could not afford to lose hope. Not when they had come so far.

“There is no need to fear, my sons. Saki’s hate may know no bounds, but it cannot reach us here. Your strength, determination, and will have brought you all home, and it is such qualities that will allow Leonardo to heal.”

The doubt and worry still lingered in their faces, but all three of his children moved closer to place a hand on their elder brother, lending their strength in the only way they could. A pulse of warmth brought a smile to Splinters face as he watched his sons, clinging to each other for comfort and stability. Moments like this reminded him how truly blessed he was to be a part of such a family.

“He didn’t break once.”

Donnie’s tentative voice brought the room’s attention to him. It was the first time he’d spoken since stitching Leo up. “Shredder stared him down every time he came in the room, and Leo never flinched. He was calm and collected and even when we were being taken away one by one, he didn’t lose his head.” Don gripped the blanket near Leo’s legs to steady himself as he spoke, using every ounce of energy to prevent his mind from going back to the memory of how he’d shouted at his older brother. “…He never lost hope. Not once.”

“He was unbreakable, that’s for sure. I don’t think we’d have made it through that first day if he hadn’t been there to keep us calm.”

While Mikey gripped Leonardo’s hand tighter, Splinter watched in surprise as Rapheal turn to him and spoke with a rare gentleness in his tone. “You’d have been proud of him, Sensei. He was a perfect leader.”

Splinter smiled down at his eldest’s closed eyes. It was no surprise his son had acted as he did; Leonardo had always been good at compartmentalization. And his determination and strategy were beyond compare. But such qualities were not what made Splinter proud in that moment. It was the way his three younger children spoke of their leader, the admiration and loyalty in their voices, that made him beam. His sons may not always get along, but in moments like this Splinter could see how much they truly loved each other. And that would be enough for any parent.

“I am proud, Raphael. Of all my children. For you have not only managed to endure the terrors of our enemies, but you have done so together. Events such as this can tear relationships apart with fear and guilt, but you have all drawn closer to each other, finding strength in your bond as a team and a family.” He placed a hand on Raphael’s shell, looking each of his children in the eyes. “And you have come home, and kept an old rat from living a very lonely life. For that, I am forever grateful.”

A lump began to form in Splinter’s throat as he looked upon his children and the many bandages that covered their bodies. The terror of what nearly happened still shook his bones, and the more time he spent with his family, the more grateful he felt at having them still with him.

A sudden shift of weight beside him caught his attention, and Splinter noticed Raphael leaning further into his touch so they were almost leaning on one another as his son spoke under his breath. “We missed you too, Sensei.”

Splinter wrapped his arm further around his son’s shell, smiling at all the loving eyes staring at him. “Oh, my sons…” He placed a hand on Michelangelo’s shoulder, who moved in to wrap his arms around Splinter’s chest as Don stood closer to Raph with a hand on his shell. “There are no words.”

The four of them stayed in their huddled-hug, content to draw strength from each other as the minutes ticked by. A tender smile crossed Splinters lips as he held his children close, enjoying the warmth they brought to his heart. Having them home once more brought joy to his spirit, and he was sure not to take such a moment for granted.

A moment that gave him strength to keep faith.

Whole-heartedly he believed that his eldest was strong enough to fight his way home. Leonardo would recover and their world would be complete once more. He felt it in every fiber of his being.

As Michelangelo and Raphael began to doze off beside him, Splinter moved his arm from around his second eldest to place a hand on Leonardo’s forehead, stroking it tenderly once more. “Soon.” He whispered, feeling hope brighten his soul at long last.

Soon we will be whole again.

 

* * *

**10 Months Later**

“Leonardo.”

Leo bounded around the room, fending off imaginary enemies with seemingly every kata and technique he’d ever been taught. His eyes were narrow as slits, but Splinter could still see the fear in them. “Leonardo.” But the turtle was lost in whatever fight his mind was concocting. Taking a step forward to make his presence known, Splinter suddenly found himself pivoting wide when a sword swiped right at his face, his hand stopping it mere inches from his temple. “My son.”

Leo froze as he was, taking a moment to come back to his senses before pulling the katana away from his father’s face with wide apologetic eyes. “Sensei! I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.” He was out of breath, puffing from over exertion, and splinter noticed his only hand was trembling as it held the sword. “How’s Mikey? Is he—?”

“—Resting. Donatello assessed his injuries and has concluded your brother will wake with no more damage than an extreme headache.” The stifled sigh of relief was worrisome. Leonardo still looked as wired as he had when Splinter entered the dojo. “Donatello wished for me to convey that the injuries would have been worse had you not rushed Michelangelo home so swiftly.”

But his son only frowned, turning away to walk back to the center of the room, preparing for another kata. Splinter knew that look on his face: disappointment. Leonardo was blaming himself for more than the night’s events.

Had been doing so every since he’d recovered.

Without a word, Splinter moved to the other side of the room, prying a sword from it’s display on the wall, and stood opposite his eldest, sword at the ready.

“Sensei?”

Splinter only sunk deeper into his stance, waiting patiently as his son overcame his inner battle and finally relented, taking a similar position with his sword raised.

A moment of stillness. Silence.

Strike.

Leonardo brought his katana up to block an attack by his Sensei, eyes following his opponents every move.

Splinter observed the movements of his eldest, the way his eyes saw every strike, predicted every move, and countered in the most strategic ways. But even as he advanced, even as he forced Splinter to attack in earnest, the disappointment did not leave his features. It was hidden behind anger, frustration, and fear, but to Splinter, it was as plain as the scars on his son’s face.

“You have improved greatly, my son. I am impressed with your progress.”

“Don’t.” Leo’s curt reply was cut between pants for air as sweat trickled down his brow. “Don’t say that when it’s not true. I haven’t improved at all!”

Splinter blocked as his son’s attacks became more intense, building speed and power with every strike. He could see the pain behind his son’s eyes growing, and it wasn’t from the blood seeping from his stumped shoulder. “You were gravely injured, my son. The fact that you are able to fight at all is—“

“It’s not enough!” Leo spun around, throwing an attack towards his Sensei’s unprotected left side, barely allowing him the chance to block low. “It’s been almost a year and it’s still not enough! I’m still…” His sentence fell off as his sword began to tremble.

Splinter moved swiftly as his son’s sword cleaved the air beside his right shoulder. He turned about as fast as his legs would allow, catching Leonardo’s blade just as it swiped at his chest. Splinter narrowed his eyes; it wouldn’t be long now. “What happened tonight was not your fault. Michelangelo—“

“—Only got hurt because he was protecting me! Because I wasn’t able to protect myself!”

“Would you not have done the same for him?”

“That’s different.”

“How so?”

“Because it’s my job!” Leo shouted, throwing another strike from below. “I keep them safe at all costs, not the other way around! Because I’m the oldest! I’m supposed to be the leader! And I can’t even—AAH!”

Leo’s frustration came full throttle, swiping down in an attack so intense he could have split through the concrete. Splinter caught the blade between both his hands, holding it as his son trembled.

The damn was finally bursting.

“They’re my younger brothers, Sensei. You told me to protect them… I have to protect them. I can’t even imagine a world where they…” His voice shook as much as his body, and finally his knees buckled beneath him and found the floor. “They’re not supposed to get hurt for me, Sensei. I’m not supposed to need their protection. I’m supposed to lead them. Keep them safe. And I can’t do that. Not with this.” He gripped his right shoulder, eyes closing to keep his emotions from falling out. “I keep failing! I keep failing myself, I keep failing them, and I—“ Leo looked up at his Father, eyes bleeding shame and guilt. “I keep failing you.”

His son’s expression was heartrending. But Splinter remained silent, waiting as Leo’s gaze fell to the floor, shoulders drooping from the weight of regret that pressed on him continuously.

“I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do if I can’t be out there with them! If I can’t…” Leo choked on a lump in his throat before continuing. “Protecting them is all I’ve ever known. All I’ve ever wanted. If I can’t do that…” He brought his hand to his face, covering the pain twisted in his features. “I’m sorry.” This was ridiculous. How far he had fallen in only one year…

Splinter tossed the katana aside, kneeling in front of his eldest. “Leonardo, look at me.” His tone was adamant, but gentle, bringing his son’s eyes to his, albeit reluctantly. “My son, you have failed no one. You saved your brothers’ lives in that prison, at great personal cost,” He placed a tender hand on his son’s stumped shoulder. “and have worked diligently to regain what strength was lost.”

“But—“

“Leonardo,” Splinter offered a fond smile. “The qualities you possess that make you a great leader have not diminished. They cannot be taken by the loss of an arm. You are more than your skill and physical prowess. . This—” He gestured towards the stumped shoulder. “—is merely an obstacle. One I am certain you will overcome, as you always do. And until then, there is no shame in allowing yourself to be helped by others.”

Seeing his son’s breath hitch with uncertainty and doubt, Splinter knew this was not an issue he could solve in an instant. But he could at least offer one last piece of advice. “My son, you cannot move on if you cling to what was lost. Set it aside. Focus on finding the qualities beyond the physical that make you a great leader.”

There was a lengthy pause as Leonardo clearly warred over whether or not to speak again. “Sensei…” His head fell as his shoulders quaked, fighting to keep himself in check. He let his head rest on his father’s chest, drawing closer to Splinter’s embrace and breathing deep to keep his emotions at bay as he finally asked the question that had plagued and scared him since he woke to a missing limb. “…What if I can’t protect them anymore?”

Finally.

Splinter placed a hand on the back of his son’s head, fervently hoping his words could permeate Leo’s self shame. “You have always found a way. I know you will again.” His son practically radiated doubt, so Splinter cupped his eldest’s chin in his paw, staring into his dark blue eyes. “Let go of your doubt, Leonardo. Believe in yourself. As your brothers believe in you. As I believe in you.”

Leo stared a moment before drawing his hands into fists and shakily replying, “Hai, Sensei.” He bowed his head respectfully, taking a deep breath. Splinter thought his son was composing himself when all of a sudden he was drawn into a tight hug, trembling arms holding him close and a meek voice whispering, “Thanks, Dad.”

Splinter smiled helplessly, wrapping his arms around Leo’s shell. So many things floated on his tongue to express to his son, but the moment was so overwhelmingly comforting, he didn’t want to disturb it. When finally Leo pulled from the embrace, he was greeted with a paw to his cheek as Splinter smiled warmly. “I am proud of you, Leonardo. So very proud.”

Leo smiled, and Splinter could see the shame was still in his eyes, as was the disappointment and fear. But there was light in them again. Hope. Determination. And with his eldest, that small spark was all that was needed to build on. Splinter couldn’t help but beam, trying to hide it behind a simple grin as he helped his son stand.

“Go to your brothers. Let Donatello take a look at your shoulder.”

Leo nodded, about to pick up his katana to put it away when he heard his name shouted in fear.

“Leo!!”

Both turtle and Master turned to see the younger siblings in the doorway of the dojo, Raph and Don keeping Mikey steady as he walked.

“Mikey?” Leo blinked, worry jumping into his features instantly as he laid eyes on the bandages around his head.

“You’re alright!” The young turtle pulled away from the others, staggering over to Leo who caught him in his arms, holding him upright.

“Mikey, what are you—“

“I thought… I thought you were…” Mikey buried his face into his brother’s plastron, gripping him tight, as though holding on for dear life.

Leo looked down at the youngest’s terrified form before glancing at Don with confused eyes.

“His concussion gave him a pretty bad nightmare.” Don answered the silent question. “Said he had to see you for himself to make sure you were alright.”

“I tried to tell him you were fine. That was one hell of a can of whoop-ass you opened on those Foot after he went down.” Raph crossed his arms as he leaned on the door frame, unable to keep himself from grinning at the memory.

Leo placed his hand on his brother’s head, drawing his attention. “I’m OK, Mikey. Thanks to you.” And you got hurt because of it. But the youngest refused to let go. Leo glanced at his Sensei, closing his eyes and sighing a deep breath.

Let the doubt go. Believe. As they believe.

“It’s OK, little brother. I told you,” He pulled Mikey closer, grateful for the presence of his family around him.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe that’s all she wrote. While I retain the right to add a chapter if inspiration strikes me in the future, it’s safe to say I’m done with this story. As I’m sure all of you are, as well. 
> 
> Comments and Critique are always welcome. 
> 
> End of Line.
> 
> -TRAaP


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